The MezzaDigesta Volume 11

July 11, 2019

What it freaking DO baby,

So this crazy thing happened. In last week’s July 4th Digesta intro, I mentioned my lengthy write-up on Kawhi Leonard from the previous week. I then threw in a pithy parenthetical urging Kawhi to sign with the Los Angeles Clippers, my favorite basketball team. “Sign with the Clippers Kawhi!!!” I wrote. I wrote this briefly and hopefully but with very little expectation that he would welcome my raven into his massive hands and read the contents of my note. And then he did this funny thing! He accepted my message. He welcomed it into his heart. And he freaking signed with the Clippers! So, you get a Kawhi Leonard gif this week, and I’ve now brought up Kawhi in three straight MezzaDigesta’s. I’m sorry.

And, oh yeah! After weeks of teasing the idea, I went and signed up for a newsletter service to try and take my game to the next level - so, dear readers, please welcome Substack into your lives. This is my first time sending any sort of *professional* seeming writing of mine out into the world like this (and onto the internet! Shit!) - so please bear with me if there are issues with this first edition that need to be tidied up. As many people know, I’m not tech savvy in the slightest, so…..yeah, this could go pretty poorly! And, seriously - please reach out to me with feedback, thoughts, questions, or maybe even some encouragement (!) if the inspiration strikes. Much love.

Digesta #11. Kawhi Leonard (and Paul George!) on the Clippers. Newsletter subscription service. Let’s do this.

Three Things Joe Likes This Week

1) "I’m a drunk white girl on a bar, I hate it!” “I deserve this!” (The US Women’s Soccer team, dominating the competition and celebrating their damn asses off)

If you’re unfamiliar with Ashlyn Harris, or if you’re familiar with her but don’t know about her prowess as a damn *content creator,* I’m gonna need you to stop what you’re doing and check this tweet:

I’ve never opened up Instagram and smashed that follow button faster than I did after watching this. Ashlyn Harris has been living her BEST freaking life since Sunday’s defeat of the freaky-deaky Dutch, and I’m certainly present for it. Content QUEEN Ashlyn Harris, as she should be referred to.

Top that off with Megan Rapinoe’s “I Deserve This” flex on the haters and countless other awesome moments after securing the World Cup, and I just wish the drunken celebrations would never end for this bunch. Salute.

2) Laura Dern, throwing 100 mile-per-hour heaters every damn time she’s on screen in Big Little Lies Season 2

Look, I wouldn’t consider myself to be a big Laura Dern guy or a Laura Dern historian of any sort. She’s a recognizable actress and I’m sure she’s been in a lot of shit, but I wouldn’t say I could name many of her roles if put on the spot. I thought her role was kinda wack in the most recent Star Wars movie. Anyways, I digress. This chica is throwin’ HIGH HEAT in every single scene of Big Little Lies S2 that she’s in. Straight cheddar. Absolute lava. I mean, just watch this:

I want to snort Laura Dern’s rage when I wake up every morning. I want Laura Dern’s anger blended into my pre-workout smoothies. I need a Laura Dern-themed metal bangers playlist. Give it all to me.

3) Charming British lingo, as heard and studied carefully on Love Island

How did you spend your 4th of July weekend? Nice, good to know. And me? Well, my fiancée and I (hi, Becca!) spent our weekend in lovely Marin county - but we didn’t hike Mt. Tam or shuck oysters or paddle board in Sausalito. Nooooope, we mostly just binge-watched the British reality show sensation Love Island. Now, the jury’s still out on whether I’m proud to be watching this show or not. But, if nothing else, BOY does it contain some fantastic British slang.

Please correct me if I’m butchering any of this, dear friends and British readers (hi Hannah!), but let’s just get right into it. An attractive person on Love Island is not “cute” or “hot” - try “fit.” To flirt or develop a good rapport with someone is “banter,” and it’s VERY important to be able to banter with the best of em. When you’re getting along well with somebody, it’s a “crack” of a time. And when you’re not getting along so well - well maybe someone is being particularly “muggy.” For some reason, everybody concludes nearly every single question asked with “innit?” And my personal favorite new term, a “bellend?” Well, you’ll just have to look that one up yourself. Homework assignment!

One Thing Joe Dislikes This Week

1) Pedestrians who walk super slowly and/or mess shit up for other people

Look, I’m a reasonable guy. I’m not the Slow Walking Police. I’m not expecting everyone to hustle about like they’re getting yelled at by a cabbie in the Big Apple.

BUT EVEN SO. If you’re gonna walk slowly, at least stand off to the side or have some general awareness of people around you. Don’t take up the whole sidewalk, particularly if you’re a group of people walking slowly. Nothing gets my blood boiling quite like an oblivious pair ambling along on the sidewalk but leaving zero space for others to pass by. Passing lanes people, passing lanes!!!! We all check our phones when we walk from time to time, but check your damn periph’s every now and then! And don’t check your damn phone in the middle of a damn intersection! In general, just be aware and don’t mess shit up for others please!

Kindly, Joey

One Random Musing from Yours Truly

Yo, how the hell are you supposed to know what kind of eggs to buy at the grocery store these days? I was at the grocery store the other day (not a big deal), and I jaunted over to the eggs fridges. And upon arriving, what did I find? Choices! Lots and lots of choices! Grade A eggs. Grade AA eggs. Medium brown eggs. Large white eggs. Fertile eggs. Organic eggs. Pasture-raised eggs. Seriously y’all, what is a boy to do out here in this world with 34 different choices of eggs? Can somebody help?

Three Song Recommendations from Your Dear Pal

1) Kamaiyah - Windows feat. Quavo & Tyga

Kamaiyah is one badass chick. I’ve been steadily consuming that Kamaiyah Kool-Aid for a few years now, and I don’t think I’ll be easing up anytime soon. In addition to being a sick rapper, Kamaiyah just seems like a great person to hang out with. I think it says something that she’s gotten stars like YG, Tyga, Quavo, and ScHoolboy Q to hop on her tracks despite not being as big as them. And just watch this music video and tell me it doesn’t seem like a great time to kick it with Kamaiyah.

2) Megan Thee Stallion - Big Ole Freak

This. Song. SLAPS. I just learned about Megan Thee Stallion recently, so excuse me if I’m a bit late to the party. The infatuation phase began with this Houston cyper video - check it. Megan’s verse goes the hardest, and if you needed any evidence, just look at the comments section. But with “Big Ole Freak,” I might be in love. Megan, you’ve got a new fan in your pal Joe.

3) Sharon Van Etten - Seventeen

Well shoot, it looks like this week’s music section is populated by three badass ladies. What a shame. This last choice is a bit of a different vibe than the previous two songs, but don’t get it twisted - this song hits hard. Previously known (at least to me) as an emo folk singer, Sharon really lets it rip on this one - and in a way that I could see playing well in big arena-type venues. If you’re looking for a deep ballad that also packs a punch, check it!

Well shit everyone, that about does it. I’m serious - please provide thoughts about the newsletter service, good or bad. Or just send me your favorite gif or meme of the week. Happy Thursday my peoples!



Spotify Playlist Link for MezzaDigesta Tracks